Updated: Mar 3, 2019
What is that one thing you can never get right but you struggle hard to get right?
For me, it has been parenting. I decided as soon as I heard the news of my pregnancy all that I would and would not do as a mother. How I am going to raise my child, as a responsible, rational, loving, caring mom. I began fantasizing how as my child turns 13 or 18 or 21, I would get a mug and an Archie’s card proclaiming I am the BEST mom in the world.
With this fantasy of becoming the best mom began my daily dose of judgement. Judging myself to the point of addiction. What I was eating, how much I was sleeping, how much I exercised or failed to exercise, the quality of my thoughts, my daily routine, how much weight I was gaining…every little thing was under the radar of evaluation and monitoring. Once the child was out in the world, I became a forever anxious mess, having given myself the job of being the main protector. I gave myself the job of protecting him from illness, bad energies, bad thoughts, bad habits, and bad people. Sure enough I became a fearful, controlling, paranoid mother who forever doubted and judged everything she did or didn’t do. I indulged in constant comparison with parents I saw in the park, in play-schools, in malls, in cinema halls, in my circle of family, friends and acquaintances. In my mind I was judging them as greater, more efficient and super cool and awesome parents or judging them as careless, unkind, idiotic, irresponsible and shameless.
As my child turned two I went for therapy, to learn how to stop being so sad, anxious and angry all the time. How not to become the controlling monster I had become. To stop having meltdowns, constant fights with my husband and breakdowns at every little thing, especially if it was related to parenting.
Even as I attended Access classes, I kept trying to find the right answers, solutions to fix the chronic health issues my son had, cope with my forever guilt and self-blame. I didn’t want to control what my son eats, how much, when and things like that, but doctor’s advice and his health conditions always kept me on the edge. I took two years to even try the ‘listen to your body’, ‘befriend your body’, ‘trust your body’ tools given repeatedly in all the Access books and classes.
As I kept asking questions, using tools, and let go of my need to get it right, be the perfect parent raising my son correctly, my son’s health shifted dramatically. There was ease and joy in our interactions, he learnt to trust his body and stopped doubting himself. He was no longer scared of falling sick.
He didn’t have to get it right. I didn’t have to get it right. We could keep changing our decisions without making us or one another wrong. I became more and more okay about being judged for my style of parenting, more and more in allowance of the choices I made as a mother, even if after a point they didn’t work for me or my son. Gary Douglas, the founder of Access Consciousness keeps reminding us, we can be either right or free. I haven’t let go of my addiction to rightness in all areas of my life yet. But parenting is one area where I can truly sense the freedom, expansion, joy and space that comes when I choose to be free and go beyond right and wrong, good and bad and choose what works for me and my son in the given moment. We now allow each other to change our decisions and make new and seemingly contradictory choices every now and then.
We are not right but we are exercising our right to choose what works for us. We are happier, healthier and having more way fun than we ever did. Doubt, guilt and fear do surface every now and then, but thankfully with Access tools we are able to shift our energy and get out of the wrongness, easy and quick